ablaze

I wish I could fall out of love with art
and beauty and nature
and simply be
~ but then what would the pleasures
~ of my lonely life be?

Today for a brief glorious moment I was lost-
lost within the embrace of one who loves me
and who I love but keep an arm's length away
~ perhaps I am frightened by the thought
~ that I must leave him, eventually
~ though I yearn to be there in his arms
---the hurting is too much---

his head rested on my shoulder in the crook beneath my chin
and I grazed my nails down his chest
as I had to walk away
~ my heart is safe with him, I know,
~ but his eyes-- his eyes-
~ they can see through me
~ and that frightens me ~
~ sometimes I cannot hold his gaze

I'd jump into the ocean of his open arms
but I know I am not what he wants
what he needs for now, I am-
oh, but,
what I wouldn't give for the precious moments in his arms...

12-16-1999