Thursday, October 7, 2010


He lags behind
as we run to school,
reaches out to hold my hand...
we reach the stairs
and field between and he says,
"I can run the field myself."

"Bye, have a good day,"
I say,
and off he goes
to disappear
in the mass
of children playing.

Bell rings,
they swirl,
older ones
dragging their feet,
off to classrooms
and days
filled with curiosity...

Friday, September 17, 2010


It has been long since
I lost myself
in the eyes
of another...
To sit and gaze
without a word,
drowning in the depth

Windows to a soul,
they say,
and this one brims
with kindness

Hearts swell,
pumping strong
as minutes pass,
until I begin to feel
I may just burst

There is such a comfort
here with you

I cannot begin to explain,
you have bewitched me
and managed to somehow
leave me speechless...

This is a thing I'd not
allowed myself to dream of,
and I am not yet sure
how exactly it all
came to be...

And thus, I find myself
here with you,
and it still is,
a rather pleasant surprise...


I know it isn't fair
to think or say
who knew I would be
so easy
to replace...?
I am happy he is happy,
and wish for them
the best,
but I must admit
it stings a bit...
Was I really
that disposable?

And how very
of me,
sitting here with he,
smiling liquidly,
moving right along~

I just cannot help but think,
cannot help but wonder
what she has
that I did not...
And I wonder,
yet again,
why I'm not
shiny and new

But then,
I am,
to the one
that matters
I am to him...

dip & turn

fingertips drag slow
upon this creamy skin
sending shivers down my spine...
every hair stands on end
tingling as they pass
and a certain smile
plays at the edges
of these blushing lips...
Those fingers dance along
in their way,
dipping here,
rising there,
mapping each inch
of this imperfect being...
but you don't seem to mind...
Blissful looks
in those mottled eyes,
seeing so much more
than I ever could...
you say,
though I cannot
see it.
And yet,
those fingers
worship this skin,
and I smile
yet again


I exude a certain something
these days it seems~
Smiles that refuse to fade,
I hum to myself as I
go about my day...
quiet sighs and contemplation
at random...
Even those I know only from afar
have made comments:
I am much happier these days,
but I didn't know I had a
I ooze happiness, they say~
seeps from my very pores,
infecting all around...

If only it were true,
the whole of the world
might just wear
a simple contented smile
just now.

It is all because of you,
you know...
There is a new freedom,
but that alone
could not eek out
such bliss~


You fell asleep early
so I didn't get to
talk to you before bed~
It occurs to me now
just how much that
lingering conversation
by the light of the moon
means to me~
Something is missing
and sleep doesn't wish
to come...
I dream of you
next to me
but know I will wake
to cold pillows
on your side...
Wish you were here,
this bed is awful empty
without you
And I wasn't going to
so hard
so fast
this time...
someone forgot to tell
my heart, methinks...

Monday, September 6, 2010

wishing doesn't make steak

Phone rings at last,
and brings a hopelessness
with its tones...
Melancholy seeps in
the way that it does
and latches on,
making way for
righteous anger.

I wish there were
some easy answer...
I wish there was something,
I could do
to fix it...

All I can do is
hold you,
whisper apologies
for the wrong done
by "they" so far away~

I know it doesn't help,
not really,
but I really am
so sorry...

You deserve so much more...
I wish I could save you
from it all...

Sunday, September 5, 2010


September is come again,
bringing a chill that is
chased away with
steaming cups...
toes shrink
as blood leaves them,
and blankets wrap shoulders
in reply~
The time for books
and stories grand
approach me on quiet afternoons
while the minds of the small
are kept busy at their work~
The end of summer's oppression
makes way for finer things,
and smiles linger upon lips
as anticipation builds...
What a year it has been
thus far~
What shall the autumn bring,
I wonder?
I do long to discover it...

Friday, August 27, 2010


Finding the courage
to take the first step
is the hardest part~
After that, it is all in
the momentum.
Keep it moving forward,
and one foot goes
in front of the other
over and over.
Before you know it,
you're halfway
round the world
and cannot even see
where it was
you started from...
The footprints remain,
should you wish to retrace,
but the tiny voice within
there is no need...
The past may mold you,
shape who you are,
it does not do
to dwell.


So it was all a bomb
set in time,
the only thing I didn't know
was when the click would come...
I saw it there,
in the corner,
looming ominously,
saw it, and trembled.
How could I do
all this
It sat there ticking
for the longest time
and all I could do was
Until one day that bomb of his
opened eyes I didn't know it had,
and it smiled at me.
It spoke to me of strength,
of letting go of fear,
of walking my own way~
And so, on I moved,
draping a lovely blanket
so I didn't have to see...
and when the day came,
click, and such a quiet boom,
I ducked to protect myself
but the words remained.
When the dust settled,
the strength I had found
once upon a time
lingered on ~

Monday, August 23, 2010

might, maybe

Quiet concern and
questions begging for
honest answers,
talks meandering into
hours late,
and lingering smiles later,
I begin to see what this
might be...

Not daring to hold my breath
or hope I am wrong or right,
I continue on,
looking for some clue to light the way...

Could it really be
you don't think
I am broken?
Could it be
you've not dared
to hope,
as I have...?

Possibility grows awkward
lanky and fumbling,
not quite knowing
what to do
with itself...

I smile on and dream
of what might be...
Dream, not ever
really believing
that it might...

After all,
I've been wrong
so many times


On occasion
I wake for the day
Complain as I may,
pinned down by chest
and feet,
I really never do mind~
Glossy coats and blinking eyes
lolling there next to me,
I can never stop myself
from scratching tiny heads
and smoothing my hand
down furry backs~
and this is why
I am a cat person~
They trap me long enough
to love me,
just enough,
and then they go their own way.
Mrow to you too,
furry baby!


Bags were filled,
strewn about,
then removed
one lovely afternoon.
So now, inside this room
there is an empty space
where he used to be.
It does not glare at me
in the way I thought
it might ~
Instead, it smiles at me
and whispers to my soul
of freedom; of possibility.
So, instead of mourning
the fresh emptiness,
I shift what remains,
make the space my very own,
and cannot help but love
the way things sit
for this space belongs to me,
not the 'us' that was.
And I sleep so much more
empty place in bed
barely noticed.
I smile knowing
it is only a short time
until I no longer
even think of it


My heart was returned to me
at last
and it can fill its former place again~
It has been vacant for some time now,
though I had assumed
it was not.
Silly me for not checking in
now and again to be sure...
So I inspect this purpled fruit,
and see the bruises that begin to fade
but surprisingly not much damage
He dropped it, I see,
but did not break it entirely...
The old stitches remain,
of course,
but there is no need for new ones.

And so, I dust the empty place,
pull down the cobwebs,
shine it up like new,
and carefully I return
this pulsing thing
to its shelf.

Home, it says.
Welcome back, say I.
Rest, rest.
There will be time
for new adventures
soon enough.


Amazing it is
how this new sun
shines its golden light
upon things
Or perhaps it always
shone this way
but the fog was
too thick
for me to notice it,
too thick for me to see
anything but
and the world we had
spun for ourselves...
That world, in this new light
looks dim and broken
when viewed through
these new eyes,
when compared to the rest
of everything surrounding me...

I see a glimmer
over there...
how interesting...
I wonder what this
glimmer holds,
and wonder if it
really is for me...
Shall I discover it


The me I was
was lost
for a time,
buried beneath
my title: mom.
And while "mom" is part
of who I am,
it is not all~
The butterfly with
crazy wings
and begins to wake
and unfurl her wings
once more.
Lost my muchness,
why yes,
I did,
though I didn't know it
at the time~
But there it is again,
gleaming in the sun
that has decided
to shine upon me
There it is,
the me that was
and will be
I didn't know how much
I missed myself,
or lost myself,
until now...
And I am much more


And so I find strength
in solitude:
in the moments
home alone
before he returns
from work
or wherever...
I can be alone
just fine
it would seem...
I did it for years,
I can do it again,
and this single mother thing
is not quite so scary
as I had supposed...
Turns out I had
done it for years
without really knowing it.
Friends draw closer
in his absence
and the hole he left
begins to fill.

So I really
be ok
I already am,
strange as that
may seem,
already am
in my own way...


And so it all comes down to
the last 10 years
of my life...
down to details.
Who gets what,
who lives where,
how will all this work...?

at least I am good
at those...
I compartmentalize it all,
put it all in its
proper place,
file away and close the drawer.

Is it really
as simple
as all that...?

Sunday, August 15, 2010


A giant load has been lifted
you say,
and while I'm happy you are
content at last,
how can I be happy
considering the circumstances?

More selfishness
of course.

Is this really better for me...?
Or is it just you
doing what you do

colors true

Times like these,
people show their true colors:

Some people pop right out
of the woodwork,
others disappear into scenery...
Still others speak honestly
at last
as though they saw
something I missed,
but wished and hoped to be wrong...
And yet, they gloat
(however quietly)
to know their hunches were right...

And those with guarded words
and actions
take leave to be bold
at last
confirming suspicions long held

There is a light beyond this tunnel
even if I can't quite see it yet

Good friends are hard to come by,
and I remain blessed to have
so many.

(I love you guys!!!!!!)


How can I do it?
Tell those beautiful
their daddy isn't going to
live here anymore?

How do I say the words,
how do I not shed a tear,
how do I make sure they know
that it isn't because of them...?

I want to hide them from this-
to pull them close and keep them

But then a voice from within me whispers,
"Is it better to lie through gritted teeth,
pretending everything is fine...?
Or tell the truth and let them see
how strong you are, even now...?"

Better to be strong and alone
than a doormat.
*deep breaths*

... like a bandaid...


we hid it well

perfect, we appeared

It never really felt that way
but there it is.
Anyone who asks me
what happened
gapes in horror,
"I had no idea!"

Yeah, well,
neither did I...


And all at once it hits me:

I am better than this.
I am stronger than this.
I will not let this beat me.
The storm will come,
the waves will crash,
the wind will beat upon these walls...
but it will pass.

It will.

And I'll come out the other side
all the stronger.

Bring it on,
because I cannot do


My heart leaps from within
jumping to safety
upon the ground
flopping about wildly
in this cold and dusty place

I want nothing more
than to run away
from me

I keep expecting to wake
any moment
in a cold sweat,
and realize this is all a dream...
but there is no solace.

I crumble
in a heap
in the corner

And you sit
as you gaze upon
your handiwork

Are you happy now...?


I woke alone another time
you didn't pick up the phone...
so who is it this time,
and why are "the guys" out so late?

sleep refuses to return
and then you do

you know I'm awake
but say nothing

Morning comes with awkward
feeding upon itself
growing into a thing
wild and mad
and when at last it breaks
I cannot breathe.

You lied again.
You were with her.
You don't love me.
It's done.

And thus, I break.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

North Star

Tonight, the North Star
beckoned to me.
She sat perched
above a thumbnail edge
of a moon,
covered by
the blackest whisp
of a cloud
for just a moment...

but a moment long enough...

The cloud spoke eerily
of danger
the North Star
brightly grinned.
"This way,
all is well," said she.

And thus, I followed her,
and now I am home once more.

waning days of summer

I wake to the sound
of birds just outside,
a gentle titter in the trees~
the golden sun
is not so glaring
in a sky dotted with
steely clouds~
I fill my nostrils,
deeply breathing in the clean,
if not crisp,

days of cold toes
and cocoa are
on their way.
I can feel them.

Monday, August 9, 2010


lovely it is
to find fuzzy ease
within a glass

to let it slip within
and take over just a hair
to relax tense smiles
and slip easily into
honest ones

how refreshing you are.


let me
curl there beside you
folded up
within your arms

the warmth of you
gentle rhythm of our hearts
beating as one

such safety here

as I drift off
to that place between
waking and dreams,
I try to snuggle closer
and hold on to every precious
moment ...
don't fall asleep.
just hold me here


rose petal made of glass
balanced on edge
hint of a breeze just around the corner

let me pick you up
my love
I'll keep you safe,
here, with me

I won't let you break


why is it
we are most inspired
when we are

do we keep ourselves this way
to keep our muse closeby?

I do wonder sometimes...

Erin Lynn

ray of sunshine
infinately patient
words of wisdom passed through
lips wet with wine

such a sweet spirit
so giving
so loving

so glad I got to know you
so sad you had to go
how we'll miss you here

you're with the angels now
where you belong

we don't understand
we don't pretend to
and we can't help the "why?"s

why did you have to go so soon?
why did you have to leave us here
especially your darling husband

how he aches for you

this is a glipse of
I know...
this endless emptiness

days go by and I try not to think about it
try not to think about what happened
how scared you must have been
how you must have lingered
hoping someone would come back
hoping someone would help you

I can only take comfort in the thought
that you are up there
where angels sing
where you belong
and think that maybe we named our little boy
for a reason beyond what we thought

you are not forgotten

06-12-79 ~ 06-04-06


the word itself



skin after the
duct tape is removed

inexplicable pain
when he says
"it's over"

growing your own food

There is nothing like a tomato
ripe red amazing
straight from the vine
just outside your door.

Bought a house this year
at last
and the soil is great!

No more container gardening for me.

Now to buy more seeds,
and reading up on how to start them
indoors early on,
with artificial light.


tossed with garlic
cut into shapes, rectangles or triangles,
it is pretty good stuff

But tonight's lemon pepper tofu...
just not
like I'd hoped.


itty bitty pretty kitty

Luna baby,
name inspired by the boy and the moon that night

We discussed names on the way home
from seeing the too-little kitty,
knowing she'd come home in a week or two
The boy looked up and saw the moon that night:

Inky blackness of the sky with
the silver glow of the full moon,
a silvery grey cloud passing before it.

It looked like the moon in a movie,
one with werewolves about to change,
and he said we should call her moonlight.

Luna was decided upon the next day,
with some officiality.

And now, she is my itty bitty pretty kitty.
Tiny thing, but gorgeous.


You didn't fuck things up...
no more than I would have,
I am quite sure.

I would have to say
while things could have been
much more than they were
it probably is a good thing
they ended where they did.

Putting a person upon a pedestal
rarely works out,
how can a person ever live up to
what someone else has built them up to?

That being said,
all I ever really wanted
was to be just me,
with just you.

No pretense. No crutches.
No worries of not being good enough.

I'm not sure that ever would have happened,
things being as they were.

Still, sometimes I wonder...
Those "might have been" moments,
how they linger.


so here I am,
spilling my thoughts ~
dumping them out to do
spring cleaning...
and as easily as that
I clean clean clean
and throw away the ideas
and hang ups
I no longer like,
storing those I still want
in pretty rubbermaid
upon the shelves ~
I pick up the garbage
and throw it out

Clean is good.


Yes, this is me, and
I am a crazy little thing~
I write incessantly
and I smile too much sometimes,
and I write little things
I hope "they" will never read
because they're about those people
who I once tried to tie down
much too long
and I know that now

now that I'm smiling again
and I don't notice that I never quit


I took a leap and tried to say

seems so weird,
looking back
the wondering what might have been
but knowing
the now is probably better anyway

so strange
to see him happy,
really happy~

all I remember are those sad eyes

dull ache

I have this headache
right now
a dull ache
wrapping itself around my skull
twisting at my temples

I just want to close my eyes
and let it wash over me
take me away
and let me sleep

i had a dream last night

I had a dream last night
of someone I used to know...
a dream where I bumped into him
and we started talking again

not that we became
or anything,
just that we re-connected
and could speak once more

I had my kids with me
and he was alone as usual
single or not, I don't know
I didn't matter

but it was such a relief
to know not EVERY failed relationship
has to end in akward silence
that some things can have a
new beginning
and old friendships could be saved

it was just a dream
and I can tell you now
it won't ever happen


so dreary out
these days
but the air lacks
the chill it insinuates

October is at an end
I should be buying candy
and pumpkins
and spooky things

but here I sit
too tired to make a cup of coffee
eyes heavy with sleep
though it is only 6pm

the day is grey
and it turns me so as well
grey and dreary
so tired

alas, no rest for the weary


you don't truly know the meaning
of the word...


until you've stroked your cheek
upon the head of a
newborn baby...

there's nothing better


perfect name
it fits so well
my little Aaron-man

cuddled up here
upon my chest
listening to the beating of my heart

so big and yet so tiny
you are
how quickly I know you'll grow
don't want to miss a second
so I hold you while you sleep

I'm still amazed this perfect thing
this tiny person
came from within me...
I can't believe I could make something
so beautiful

Don Juan

for the record...
I never wanted you to be
don juan
all I ever wanted
was you
being you
it's a shame
I never could say it


a baby sparrow fell yesterday
from it's nest on the balcony above ours..
I got out a stool and some rubber gloves
so my scent wouldn't be on the poor thing,
got it back in its nest, and everything

so proud-

but tonight I saw the sparrow again,
on the deck,
and it had died...
now I wonder,
did it fall again?
did its mother kick it out
from it smelling of rubber gloves?
would it still be alive if I'd left it

didn't mean to kill you
little bird


sometimes when I'm all upset,
or just really really alone,
I fold myself all up
wrapping elblows about my shins,
burying eyes in my knees...
they call it a
Jennifer tried it once and couldn't get up,
poor thing

facial scars

five years old
curious about the kitty
we were watching for my uncle-
big kitty
mean kitty
didn't like kids

he was eating his breakfast
one day
and I squatted beside him,
reached out to pet his head
he looked at me,
didn't growl,
and went back to his food.
I thought he wouldn't mind,
so I smoothed the fur
between his ears,
and again

next thing i knew, he lunged for my face-
took a chunk out of my right temple
and a little from my forehead-

had to go to the hospital,
they thought I needed stitches,
but all I got was green soap

I remember I was mad
because I couldn't go swimming that day-
we took the bad kitty to the
humane society to be
disposed of
and brought a kitten home instead-

now, when I smile,
I look like I have a dimple
by my right eye,
and there is a small crater-like scar
in my forehead

You'd think I would hate cats,
wouldn't you?


there is something to be said
for anticipation
I just can't think
of the words right now

lightning bug glow

I want to go back home
to chicago,
the city where the night doesn't sleep,
where the traffic hums
and people swarm like flies,
masses upon masses,
to and from wherever-

I want to sit on the beach at night
and watch the waves
roll and roar against the rocks-
I want to go back home with you,
to show you the places I've been,
the places I've seen;
a place where the music comes alive
every night, somewhere-
a place where you can sip a latte
and read a poem aloud-

the lights in winter,
the snow upon the frozen sand,
the library, just bursting with knowledge

but it wouldn't be home without you by my side-
it would just be that hollow place
it was before-
so come with me, love-
take me home with you-
take me back to the place
where I can feel free once more-

all the almosts

I get chills
thinking of what this will be,
yet somehow
I can't quite make myself believe
it's really true-
my life has been made up
completely of "almost"s-
I almost made it
It almost worked out
I almost finished that book
you almost missed me completely
and I almost missed out on

forgive me

it's way more than
too good to be true
and that's why I'm so scared

blurred edges

his face has all but
faded from my memory-
fuzzy pictures cloud the mind
and the only real ones
are unreal,
blue hair and half-smiles

not how I try to remember
him and how he was

it feels somehow wrong
to not remember his face-
to not remember much more than
a light in his eyes
and that curled-up edge of his lips
when he smiles crookedly

it feels almost like a fading memory-
like HE is a fading memory
and I cannot decide if
that is OK or not...


what's the point
of wiping them away
when they keep
flooding back?

this torrent of madness
haunts me
in your absence

eternity in the making

this week you seem
somehow farther away...
somehow my heart
aches immensely more than usual
for you~
and though the very
anticipation of you
demands dimpled grins,
knowing you can't stay
takes the glamour from it all-
and while I can't wait to see you;
hold you,
I find this hole in my heart
festers while waiting...
I can see you on the horizon,
reaching for me,
and though I see you,
you are still
too far from me


I sit on edge,
watching the second hand slowly spin,
counting the moments,
holding this breath I drew long ago,
I can be patient if I must,
but it is fitfully that I sleep,
fidgeting in my waking hours,
aching to breathe you in once more-
and as the hours slither by
slowly as they may,
it is one more hour by one more hour
to your touch~
to your heartbeat lulling me softly to sleep~
until the world disappears
except for you...

sea of storms

I needed you here with me
I needed to bury myself
with in your shoulder,
to hide from that
distant-minded one~
here, I roll over
each hazy blue-grey wave,
tossed about by everything
that ails us:
distance, need, aching arms,
the creepy one who makes my hands
shake and my mind feeble
while I try desperately to work~
my heart sags within me,
pulled down by these
cast-iron anchors-
but I refuse to give up; give in-
I WILL NOT be flustered again
by those not worth the time-
instead, I swim on heavily,
watching for your harbour
where I'll find safety
in your arms

I know you'll save me-
I only wish it could be sooner


I long to show you
all the things that move me,
everything I couldn't
begin to do justice to on paper-

that canyon in the mountains
where the world was new again~
walking barefoot on the beach
just to discover the feel of sand~
to gape, not noticing how large your
eyes have suddenly become
upon seeing downtown Chicago
for the first time~

I want you to see
everything I've seen,
feel the complete awe
I've found in this world,
and lost again
when anchored to this place

Jackson Lake

I long for purple mountains
flooded over by the mist,
morning dew lingering
upon the fading tracks of
moose and antelope
on the open marshland-

I ache to just sit there
within the warmth of that lodge
once more
and read, glancing up every now and then
to take it in-
We don't see that sort of thing much here-

I ache for springtime
when mornings are almost cheerful
everything is new again,
wipe the slate clean once more-
It is in those few precious moments
when I can feel everything at once,
when there is promise in
that crisp air-

I want to return again this year
and I want to take you with me-
to show you what it is
I cannot begin to express-
that place moves me-

kiss isn't quite the word

It's been too long
since I lost myself in you


a tiny glob of scarlet
havoc-made splashes of
black glossy oil paint
creating the perfect little being

she'll flirt with you,
dancing lightly across your fingertips,
fluttering, making you believe she'll go,
irridescent wings peeking
timidly from beneath the
outer shell
look away, and she's gone

whatever you do,
don't tie her down.
seclusion kills her.


I long to have you here
as morning steadily creeps
upon me
I need to have the safety
that you harbor within yourself-
tonight I need a good cry
upon that strong shoulder,
those arms surrounding me,
telling me it's safe to breathe again-

I can hear you,
wishing me dreams of sweetness
and good rest,
when I truly need only
your presence here
to accomplish that-

Quickly, love, hurry back to me~
I need you to be here with me
so my heart can
rest easy
once again.


I long to smell the
salt in the air,
to feel the fine sand
still warm from the day
softly move beneath my toes
as I walk breezily along the shore,
taking in the
jagged black rocks
and the soft white foam
that rolls upon them,
the gentle lapping waves,
the way the moon
glimmers on the water


Can I borrow yours
for a moment?
I'd whisper things
I know you would say...

Maybe then I could feel
like you were closer
when you're
far too
far away...


the snow was perfect:
that light glaze
over bony tree branches,
hiding the yellowed grass,
bathing the concrete
in perfection,
all the while
knowing her purity
would be soiled
by the first passing car...
and as the diamonds
gleam in the streetlight
as they fall,
sky that pale tangerine,
a snowplow just had to
drive past
breaking her spell.

SLC Punk

I am
Heroin Bob.
I'm the little purist
no tylenol, nothing.
Not even alcohol, really.
And I know
some day
I'm going to die
like he did.

I wasn't ready for this...


My brothers and I had this game,
Where one person would lie on the ground
(usually the biggest player-
I kept dropping people)
and we would put our hips/stomaches
to the person's feet,
link fingers,
and they would hoist us up
in the air-
My brothers would pretend they
were fighter pilots
getting gunned down by
the evil japanese army
or some such thing.

for a while, at least,
until they dropped you
or put you down,
you could feel like you were


She planned for hours
and packed her bags
with the most important things
(candy bars and froot loops)
and escaped to the
park across the street.

She forgot the steps
to the treehouse
were broken-
and thus,
the plot was foiled.

Poor little 6-yr-old me...

first kiss

My first one didn't really count,
not really-
his name was John
(for me that says enough)
and he was bowling
while I sat,
waiting for my friend
to finish her game-
He got a strike,
was jumping up and down,
and before I realized it,
he had come over,
kissed me (far too quickly),
and was gone-


the snow here
lingers for weeks
even when it's warm
and should be melting-
tiny snowflakes
flitter in the air
dancing on the
nonexistant wind
that holds me here
against my will-
I want to fly from here
I want to fly from here
I want to fly from here
I want to fly from here
to the warmth of you

finger beams

I love it when
a deep dark dangerous
is raging,
lightning threatening
to zap the big tree
in the front yard-
candles flickering
inside because the power's
out and it looks like
midnight instead of 3,
thunder claps loudly,
closer than before-
and right when you're about
to stop enjoying the show
and be scared for a moment,
the clouds break
in one little place
and finger light beams
shine across the sky-
and suddenly,
the storm is laughable

under my wing

come closer,
and I'll save you from
that stinging wind-
I'll hide your eyes
and whisper
"it's alright"
in those lonely
moments just after
the sun disappears-
I'll let you run about
and play in the rain
as it splashes lightly
upon your gentle features-
come closer,
my love,
and we'll stay here
until the sun comes up


I just want to
lose myself
in you-
Fingers meshing,
arms curled about
my waist-
That contented sigh
barely heard
through your breathing
in my ear-
Smelling deeply the
coconut in my shampoo,
pulling closer
as though there can
never be a
"close enough"


He called me
said she did it on purpose
said she gave him herpes
just to be a bitch.
He said it had been
4 months since it happened.
And I hung up.
Because we had been together
for 6.
Now who's the bitch?


as a little girl
I would stare into
the bathroom mirror
for hours
pretending I was princess leah
with my braids curled around my ears

and later,
when I kept hearing how
beautiful I was,
I began to stare again,
trying to figure out
what exactly they saw
that I didn't-

Now, I glance
during the morning ritual
cleaning piercings,
brushing teeth,
fixing this mop of hair that just
won't grow fast enough...

But there's this mirror
in the living room,
in the corner
curio cabinet~
you look into it
and see yourself reflected,
but not backwards like most mirrors-
you see yourself the way
you look in pictures,
the way everyone else sees you-
still gives me shivers

Sunday, August 8, 2010


last night the sky wept for me
for I cannot see things
as she does
so she sent a little present-
Driving home last night
attempting to see one car-length ahead
I realized just how beautiful
it really was-
Cold and damp, why yes
but the dewy haze
capped the
brittle bony fingers
of these winterized trees,
creating the most
mystical effect


when I was little,
I would wear my hair in
two braids that began
at the base of my neck-
I'd pretend I was Princess Leah
and curl them up around my ears,
but they always fell down
before I could convince my brother
to be Luke Skywalker


that's such a sad word,
Means it was, past tense,
is no more, never to be again,
gone without a trace...

So many people in my life no longer
They just
So sad.


feeds upon itself,
until it becomes
a starving withered bird,
nothing left to consume
but its own sickened heart


4am comes with a new uncertainty
this time around-
he hasn't called yet-
I was awakened by nothing but
the stark reality that
I am alone
in here, so cold...
sighs are muffled into wide pillows
and I try to not worry-
I close my eyes and curl my toes
-the cat pounces on them again,
attacking furiously-
my mind drifts to
when you can be here
and I can sleep again,
wistful smiles crossing
slightly parted lips...
the frosty haze of sleep slips in..
Beethoven rising in still night air...
I'll think about it all in the....

security blanket

this face wilts in a dejected whimper
as I take a sip of a drink you suggested~
my arms shiver slightly
giving way to goosebumps
and without thinking,
I scoot back, expecting
the warmth of you to be there;
I expected to hear a sympathetic, "awww,"
and have those arms
wrap around me,
trying to keep me warm-
why is it that now, when I need you
every time I take a shaky breath
you're suddenly so far away?
I need to know if I wake up suddenly,
I can just scoot closer
and be safe-
the suspense is killing me!

I dreamt we were married
last night-
I hoped, somehow, when I woke,
we still would be-

until then, I'll settle for
chocolate ice cream and bubble baths
out of necessity
and hope that the time passes
quicker than this
unusually regular heartbeat

house blend

lukewarm mug cupped in two hands
holds coffee that I never touched-
its warmth gave me comfort
while it lasted and now
the lingering scent just
tickles my nose- irish cream-
absently, I take a mouthful
and am suddenly reminded
just exactly why coffee is best when warm-
with a small sigh

I pour the contents from the
glassy bluish grey stonewear
and pour myself another
as my heart takes a deep breath
and lets it all out heavily,
never to inhale again~
I probably won't have more than a sip,
but at least I'll have warm fingers
for 20 minutes or so...

don't you hate it when
you have so much to say
you can't speak?


sagebrush mingles with
wilted thistles and sun-dried grass
as watercolored clouds smear blue and grey
in streaks of rain across the horizon-
animal-human mutant faces
blur the cool mid-afternoon sky
while the pac-man lines in passing pavemant
count one-two-three-one-two-three,
putting that detestable 900 miles
between myself and happiness again-
hunger churns within my belly, wearing away;
connecting to the hollow place in my chest
as antelope are spotted at a shallow creek

-looks so lonely in that
ocean of barren land-

the only thing keeping me from
spilling those hot tears that I know are waiting...
the only thing coaxing this sugary smile to stay
is the sound of your music peppered with
conversation and Mikey's company;
the scenery only resonates emptiness,
begging to use my voice
to tell of its
utter bleakness.

first freeze

morning shatters dewy yawns
with alarm clocks and pets begging for food
and I glance with this quirky smile
to the space beside me

somehow I thought you might be there

toes beg for the heavy covers
as I finally decide to crawl out of bed

at least it isn't a WOOD floor
I run the water for a while before
I step into the tub,
steam rolling over the edges,
spilling onto the floor,
making hairs rise in the sticky warmth-
I laugh at the way my hair
styled itself in the night,
again silently nothing the need for a trim...
tomorrow, perhaps

but today was made for
home-made bread and hot apple cider;
comfy couches and thick books;
sleeping cats curled up in the crook of a knee

it's a day of sunshine and open windows,
just to have an excuse for a sweater

with days like these,
how can you NOT be a morning person?


these days creep by in
hues of grey
and winter coats
as wind howls through
slowly turning leaves,
bringing pink out in our cheeks

coffee brews one wall away
as cold seeps through
an inch-open window pane
making sweaters do their job-
words flow quickly through
my fingertips to the keyboard
and the screen,
creating whirlwind worlds
as I hold my breath,
hoping that you'll call

whispers on the windowsill
sing secrets in my ears
as steaming cream-and-sugar coffee
finds its way through
just-parted lips,
dancing with tastebuds,
and ending in a sigh.
I only wish you could be here
to warm these icy hands...
soon, love, soon...

broken clouds

I love rainstorms with
light breezes
and sunny skies
peeking through the charcoal clouds...
it speaks of a promise
I cannot tell,
but I know this:
a miracle is coming...
I can FEEL it on the wind-
pumpkins topple on the porch
as thin whips of smoke
curl up from
chimney tops,
that heavenly aroma of
burning firewood
mingling with crisp autumn air-
perfection in a day


my favorite brother left us
for the home of starbucks
and his wife-
took my little niece away
before she really recognized us at all...
our little Emma Belle...
they said they'd move back
for her school,
but by then I'll be
in Colorado Springs...
but I guess it's all even,
because when I have kids,
I'll have taken them away too.

I just needed someone to sit up with
and talk to last night
and Allen wasn't here



purpled chipping fingernails smile up at me
as gold and silver glint from
small but thick finger
sprouting from thin wrists,
barbed wire circling one, the other bare.
the sweater is too warm for the day,
all long-sleeved and black with rainbows,
but I don't care...
mellow music floats above,
the singer, unknown;
the bed sits unmade;
wrinkled dirty laundry sits crumpled on the floor
with the cat curled up, asleep, in the man-made mess...
I wish you could be here now
so I could share this
vanilla nut coffee,
skim milk only, lots of sugar-
I wish you could curl up on my bed to sleep
while I am busy writing...
as strewn about as this room is,
I know you'd just smile
and say it's messy, but it could be home...
but it's not really home without you-

overcast dawn

morning crept upon me today
with the cat making her bed upon my back
as I clutched a pillow that clashes with my bed-

hmm...the cat's been fed,
. I work late,
. had my shower,
. what's missing...?

I turned with a smile,
realized I was only taking half the bed;
but the other glared emptily back at me


sharp embrace of night

my heart sags within me,
lungs unwilling to take it in
while eyes give unabashedly-
the lingering warmth of your embrace
engulfs me and begins to fade...

-just makes this hollow imprint
(where you slept just beside me)
grow slowly cold,

the cat looks up in empathy
as I see your pillow here
in your place
and begin to cry (yes, again)
your music floats on ribbons of air
perfumed by vanilla candles,
trying to tell these lonely ears
you will return.
all I know is I miss you-

I miss making sense...

Lake Michigan

Bare feet and sweaters mix well tonight
on balconies with chilly railings,
baggy jeans, loud melancholy music,
and noiseless telephones.
It makes me think of Chicago,
where autumn was first magical,
obnoxious cars passing by at midnight
were common,
orange glares of streetlights were ignored
as we discussed literature over coffee.
breezy air meant cold was on its way
when just that afternoon,
we baked in the humid glaring sun.
Here, the air is fresh;
the horizon, littered with trees, not towers;
to the east, Iowa, not the lake.

Tonight, I realized
everything would be perfect
if only
we could share a cappuccino
on the lake at sunrise...

mirage at dusk

Do you dream of me,
I wonder?

October winds blow cold tonight
as I turn up the blanket
and hold a pillow close-
I smile, think of you, and fall asleep~
Silver smiles warm within as
you reach for me
and I lose myself to your touch~
You whisper how you've missed me,
I bury my eyes in your shoulder,
-don't let go- don't let me go-
I'm crying because you're really here
and you ask if I'm ok-
I sigh as smile "I am now" ~

I wish I could get closer
-never close enough-
you start to answer, I don't hear.
I look up and you're gone
and there in your place,
this smothered pillow.


there's a hole in my heart tonight
where you should be
you're busy dreaming right now-
still I wait expectantly...
I wait for the phone
I wait for your voice
and the smile on your lips at mine
I need to know "how was your day?"
I want to make it better if "not so great."
the time between
when I can see you again and now
holds its breath
as we ooze along impatiently
-I just...
I just need to hear your voice
as you wrap your arms around me
and make it safe to breathe again,
for I find comfort in your embrace...
without you here there is
such a gap beside me
where you belong...
don't hesitate too long to fill it

inhumane society

wrong place wrong time
tail-lights gleaming
breaks squealing
sickening thud-
even worse, a cheer;
poor thing lay there crying
as a beige tailless tabby
tried to help her striped friend-
a neighbor's pet
turned to roadkill
and all you can ask for is
a shovel and a bag?
you, you who swerved to HIT
the year-old-cat who now lays still
in a small puddle of blood-
as rain drenched my shoulders
and soaked bare feet,
I tried to call, tried to help... help...

I couldn't leave her there

you walked away to leave me with her,
YOUR mangles mess

I don't care-
take your laughing "oops what now"
and run away

I hope you dream of her
but I hope she hits you this time.


soft music lulling tired eyes to bed
as breathing evens out
blinking slurs,
slowing to nothing


The best days are the kind
that start all
dewy green, crispness in the air
that sends a chill down your spine,
the type of morning that
even SMELLS new...

Chilly mornings grow warm
as the sun rises with the heat,
dewy grass becoming sticky air...

Afternoons pass in shorts and tanks,
making you just wish summer
would give way to fall.
The sun creeps to bed at twilight,
leaving still, dry, vacant air
hovering lifelessly, stale.
The wind blows,
just once,
bringing out big sweaters and jeans
to hide within...

Bare toes and cocoa on the porch
make a perfect end to such a perfect day...


hug the curb but don't slow down
-oh no, you could be late-
God forbid you take a look around-
for just a moment, just once,
pay attention...
to the rabbit nibbling absently
upon a blade of grass,
ears twitching at the
ruffle of feathers up above
as a sparrow settles on a branch
with a quiet call

-notice the way the creek curls,
winding around smooth stones
and knotted roots that bare themselves,
white grains in sharp contrast to
healthy blackened soil

-listen for a second,
turn down the radio and really listen
as the chirping of the crickets
raises in harmony with the complaining screech of locust
and the whistling of the breeze
between the turning leaves

pay attention and see the way
we swallow up creation with concrete,
lawn mowers, housing projects, and plows-
look, but don't blink.
for it could soon be gone


this is not my heart
all strong and awkward
beating at the ribs
within me-
perhaps I was distracted
when you lifted this
once-empty cage
to make a careful home
for what you gave to me-
you hesitated for but a moment
when you made the choice;
you still hold mine in awe,
unable to believe I would give
my heart to you so easily;
you stare and cup its
purpled beating,
careful not to let it slip
through your thick fingers,
unsure of how to
sew it up with in you.
when you're ready
to let it thrive,
when everything sinks in,
I'll help you make a home
for this piece of me:
fragile, patch-ridden, still-hurting-
-aching for you to mend it-

200 minutes

months crawl by,
pointed noses and sickly fingers
prod and pick us all along-
hours dance fluidly about me
as I remain rooted,
idly watching the scuplted clouds waft by-
but the sparse time i have with you...
all I do is blink, and it's gone.
200 perfect minutes spent,
my only recipt:
tired eyes and a fixed but genuine smile


you say you don't know if...
and maybe I shouldn't but...
or, oh! I know, I could...

the idea creeps upon you,
before you have time to wonder when;
crawls within you, permeating every fiber,
leaving a thick residue trail of fear
in its wake

I'm scared, I admit;
-so much is riding here-
but if I never take that
monstrous step of faith
into the gorge between us,
how can I ever reach you?

just, be careful and I'll meet you halfway-


how can I, alone, decide
what to do with us?
I know my heart-
I know what yours once was-
I can only hope
you've not dissected my face
from the photos of your future...



behind closed doors
my eyes fill with fire
as I find and finger
the sweetest words I think I've ever read
-and knowing they were
meant for you alone makes them
all the sweeter...
"chase what makes your heart flutter,"
so you say...
I wish you'd hold still so I can
snatch you up and
take you home with me


chinese food sounds
at this point
as I sit starving at the keyboard

I wonder if I'll get
good chopsticks
this time

oh, the sweet and sour chicken
minus chicken
they always think it's funny,
I suppose it is...


Your words hurt last night
stung, but it was today
that they pierced the
purpled flesh of this fragile heart-
you said you'd been dating
this other girl, sorta,
and, at first it didn't bother me.
but I've been in those shoes before

I know how it burns at your soul
when you find out the one
you thought was yours
belongs to someone else now-

I feel like you lied to me,
really, by not mentioning it before-
I'd almost like to call her,
say I'm so sorry, I didn't know,
but what's the use?

more than anything,
it hurts to know
you're capable of that...

you're not that guy
who tore my world apart, no,
for a flicker of a moment,
I saw a piece of him in you
-and that hurt-

don't be that guy...



I'm more scared of
hurting you
than being hurt myself


as I awakened from the hazy realm
to see my heart with you,
but far away -so far-
I peered within the cavity left behind
-so empty there as I wait to hear
your sweet voice say my name
and tell me you'll take care of
my heart for me-
my heart thuds in your gentle hands
as you ponder what to do;
as I look up with pleading eyes,
only dreaming this could be.

will you?

reluctant sleep

I'll close my eyes and wake up
to a different world-
a world where my
favorite coffee bar is open;
where my favorite brother is gone;
where my heart is
anywhere but here.
-dreams of possibilities are
but they are just that-dreams-

you have to wake up eventually

I'd almost rather be an
insomniac than to
dream of you
only to
wake up without.
I could look at it this way:
I can sleep and be with you,
or be awake, with you far away,
lead fills my soul as
piano plinks mingle with guitar chords,
lullin my heart to
expectant, hopeful sleep
-see you soon-


"I love you but I'm sorry"
will be twisted deviously, I'm afraid,
by the ears that yerned to hear my voice
for so long-
I will be made a serpant,
striking all but blindly
with these venom fangs, if only
in his eyes -and that is enough-
my heart yet beats in tune with his,
each soft peal ringing more loudly than a gong,
speeding my tongue to certain
whip-snapping pain
-I cannot bear it-
but I know... I must

as soon as the words drip into his ears
I know what new hope I will have
trampled to death
-a bud living no longer than a single breath-

-a sweet poison, indeed, my love is-

"I love you but I'm sorry" will curl,
gnarling its honest, gentle sadness,
quickly becoming that which I despise:
a knife twisting the pain within you
and yet,
I can almost hear your soft reply,
a single tear,
quiet treamor rippling your strong voice,
a whispered, "I know"
filled with immense regret


I fear I may have
realized too late...

don't be him and walk away...


Do you quite understand how stupid I feel
for not having noticed before?
How cruel I made myself without realizing
what I might be doing to you-
I'm scared to tears I may have
somehow made this hope
die before its birth,
and I'll be left out on this fragile limb
I bake potatoes by the phone,
begging your hands to call me back
so I can say I'm sorry-
-I didn't understand-

I never knew my heart would
beg for you


I dressed up to make a phone call tonight
and never felt ashamed,
for he can see me, I know,
just as I can see him...
and though nobody answered,
I heard his father's voice, not him,
my heart continues racing
up there in my throat.


she learned
(too late?)
she loved him


the things we wish for
hope for
dream of
sometimes are the things we
simply cannot have

life sucks that way


what a sweet breath of life you are...

afraid of nothing
except the realizations
of your own heart
-oh no I love her run away-
a smile that made the world
melt away-
the way you looked at me
when you saw I still waited
just to be sure you were ok-
the way your eyes said you
never really wanted to leave-
calling my place "home"
without even realizing it-
the laughter in your voice
when I called just to say hi
(though I knew you were busy working)-
the gentle sorrow when we agreed
this was the best thing in the end-
when I knew you never really
to let go...
neither did I-

the small whimper I was never meant to hear
when you called to tell me
you miss me...

my heart aches for you,
I sometimes think you hear its
lost beating in the wind-
my arms still reach for you
in the night, somehow hoping
to find you there, arms unwilling
to let me go...
I don't quite know what to do sometimes,
but I know this:
I miss you


scent flits about
in curling smoke
mingling with the wind
as candles burn
and incense lives
betwixt the fingers
of my hand



time is such a relative thing

it seems as though
a class will never end
and when you're sick the time drags on,
days are slowest while you're working,
and at the same time, hours with
someone you love
is never enough


sometimes I wonder
what might have been...
if only
my dreams and intentions
had not been

like a leaf fluttering
in the late summer breeze
the idea alone
was pristine

something you make so grand
within the furrows of your mind
can never
blossom to what you
wish it were

however brief that wind was,
colors flitted in the air
and smiles passed
then turned away

I can almost say
I'm glad it was that way


I lay there in my bedroom
for he never showed-
and as I tried to fall asleep
watching the way
the light reflected
on the plaster up above
I had an urge to look outside

and I saw that gorgeous car of his
with an even more gorgeous him

stupid me-
I was too surprised that he came over
to get up and change
and answer my door
and FINALLY just get his number
on my own

but at least I know
he really did
want to see me

and that's worth a smile
or two
or three


Lying on the bathroom floor
across the air vent
breathing pained
and tense
he looked up at me
with the saddest eyes
like he wanted to let go

I reached down and
I cupped his head
in my hands and sighed
"I love you baby..
it's ok.. "

rest in peace,
my little one

we whispered through our tears
as we covered up
his cold remains
with the earth he
loved so much

he leaves a small mound
in the backyard
of my parent's home
but gaping holes
within our hearts

we'll miss him
but he breathes easy now

so rest in peace,
my little one...


half my face illuminated
the other faded all away
until the features
of my form
have melted into
backround noise
and I sit here
slightly sad
but accepting
the truth
that I was wrong

perhaps I told myself that
just to keep my sanity


he finished up the movie
and he put on his small cape
and he smiled to himself
-he'd save the world-
but he needed to remember
just how it was that he could fly
so he jumped from off the desk
to the top bunk


I'd love to lose myself
in the inky evening sky
be stuck in its thickness
like the stars
I'd shine upon the world
and watch the way
you look at night
when the world all around you
seems to fall apart
and I'd twinkle in the distance
making sure that you see
and I'd whisper "it's alright"
into your ear
and you'd smile
~just a little~

and I'd live


barefoot on the grass
in the early summertime
wiggling my toes
between the blades
listen to the singing of the
air between the trees
and watch the way
the world gets
in its own way

shoes... shoes...
no, I think I'll pass
but thanks


she was so very blind,
that girl of long ago...

doubting everything,
assuming the worst,
never thinking
it could be her
that he spoke of

20/20, as they say,


she is completely unaware
of that which everyone but her
seems to see

should she trust
or should she think
and analyze the world
into bits of garbage
until her life
seems to be no better
than mostly backwash
in a glass of moldy tea

wait and see
wait and see

so she falls asleep
and dreams
of that which she
only wishes into being


there's just something about
the way strawberry gummy things
mingle with mountain dew
and roadtrips to lincoln
that makes me crave
the highway
just now


spring bounce yay!
I love the budding trees
the fresh smell of the
dew upon the grass, that citrus green
looking into sky to see the
grey clouds letting the sun peek through
while sprinkles flirt with the sidewalk
and worms are flooded out
...even that stink when they
are baked upon the pavement...
the way the flowers push against the dirt
to smile up into the rain
and seconds later, the sun

I just wanna run and play outside
as the droplets float down
gently splashing my face
as I laugh
because because because

spring is finally here!


I'm whispering into wind
but only hollow whistles are returned
I stand, grinning at the thought
of the maybes
the whimsical idea swirls within

I long to grasp it for a moment
if only to shake some sense
into me
but I can't seem to muster
the will to try and stop
the pretty thoughts

if that's all that it is,
if it doesn't transform itself to being,
I can live with that...
but the very possibility of
is enough to make me smile


An older man, mid-sixties, I'd say
sat with a group of friends,
all coffee-drinkers,
and just after he shoveled
his milk chocolate macadamia cookie
down his eager throat,
he slurped up his cup of coffee,
same flavour, regular, not decaf,
and causally licked the inner rim of
the cup.

He wiped his chin
with a crumby napkin,
grinning to himself,
for nobody saw him,
or so he thinks...


Dark haired mousy woman
orders nachos and sits down
pawing through her hair
to move it from her face.
I hand her order to her and
she smiles thanks and looks at it
with reluctance in her eyes.
I wander back to what I had been doing
and rustle cellophane with fries
while her bony fingers
pick through the cheese
with the hesitance
of a recovering anorexic,
scrunching her nose a little
with each slow bite.

i wonder, was she really hungry
or was she trying to prove
something to herself?


upon the balcony
we both had our little spiel
we shed our tears of self pity
listnened intently
while the other told their tale
got misty
and cried some more
because life just isn't fair
and I don't know what more I can do
and you're scared that you'll
be right
and the world will come crashing to your feet

all the while
we were standing there
about our growing
ghostly scares
oh god
don't let anything happen to us
because she's violent now
she's angry
and it seems to be at me


ok ok
I give up
I'm tired of the game
this old and rugged
game of capture the flag
I'm tired of sitting in the dark
watching intently
waiting to see if you'll try to come
and snatch away the
blood red emblem
stuck upon a pole within the earth
only to see you sneaking
into someone else's camp.

I haven't tried to steal yours
though I've been tempted to
leap the barriors and confront you
just for fun...
just to see how easily
you would give up...
with a fight? without?
but I'm stuck here in these trenches
I dug with my fingernails
and filled up with my tears and sweat ~
my shoes are stuck
but I don't feel like moving
because I see you've won the game-
or perhaps that's only how it seems
because she handed hers over so peacefully-

it's not my heart you took home with you

maybe I just didn't see you give it back...
I don't know.
I only know I'm tired of this game
and I want to go home now.
But my feet are stuck
and here I watch this
faux war play on
about me

fun fun fun

oh yippee skippee
so much fun
to be left
in a parking lot
taillights in streaks upon the sky
the fading sounds of shouting
ringing in my ears

how I love to fight with others
and have it escalate to these
absurd levels of stupidity
but most certainly not dumb...


Is it possible to talk to her
without the yelling match?
Wouldn't that be nice?

so what do I do?
what can I do?
as much as this sounds like
and is
third grade behaviour,
I tend to just
break down
play the quiet game
just so I can breathe in peace


lines run throughout
connecting with the air
as the phone rings
and I smile,
snatch up the cordless caller ID phone
hold my breath

but it's someone else again

I know, I know,
I could call too
but it's just that little thing
about getting an unexpected call
from that person you've had
at the tip of your mind all day...
and it's that little unneeded
when it's mom calling
to tell you she's making
veggie-friendly pasta sunday,
and asking if you want to come over?

the hoping is the fun part
wouldn't it be nice
for it to really
just once..?


she is torn between two worlds
one in which she finds herself
watching blatently as he walks by,
seemingly oblivious
-is he watching too,
or is she wishing it to be?-
the other is a world of noise
where she can lose herself
in the music
close her eyes and be...
just be...

the worlds collide in the night
while the music blares
and he smiles at her in her dreams
but when she wakes,
a smile on her lips,
she has to wonder....
will they ever be
or are the dreams just that...

I'd love to find out


Last night we sat there in the car
said we didnt want to go home
-I didn't anyway-
and we decided to go driving.
to Lincoln.
for no apparent reason.

So we filled up the tank and I told the
gas station attendant we were going
just in case we were to die along the way
someone in omaha would know
we had gone...
I don't know why I did that...

I got in the car and I told jen
and she started freaking out
talking about Mikey and Amy
and the gas station attendant
who was torn between his need to stay
with the pumps
and his desperate desire to help
find Amy and Mikey... dead in a ditch
even though they weren't dead yet.

Don't tell stories like that
in the car when someone's driving--
not loudly and importantly
as though the world is going to end
if you don't finish the tale...

We got to Lincoln
ate at Village Inn
-it was weird, to not see our usual crowd, but hey, we were in Lincoln-
went to a piercing shop
and drove home
at 2:30.

well, it was a fun story to tell at work today...


citrus-flavoured rainbow drops
are falling from the clouds
puddling up in crevices
for the children to find later

sun finger beams glow on dark clouds
and rainbows hover in the air
while neighbor kids turn dizzily
in the falling lemon rain

sunrise tour

chain my feet to
purpled sunrise clouds
let me fly away to the west
and see the world today-

ocean sparkling beneath
the clear blue fluffy-freckled sky
silver dolphins arching smoothly
splashing water on my toes
schools of angelfish pink and blue
just below the rippled surface
red-haired mermaid swimming backstroke
turning diving underneath

rice field workers wipe their brows
and trudge easily down the row
giant golden cross-legged statues
glint in the yellow sun
while small children with their fathers
light small candles all around

children splashing in the water
of the shallow clear blue gulf
Arabs bending falling bowing
to the east third time today
tourists wander aimlessly through
the ruins and museums of the
gorgeous streets of Rome

I stop to take a small break
atop the eiffel tower
cameras flash small child points
as I spread my faerie wings and
soar away upon the wind
fight the urge to shop in New York
pull goat tails in the mountains

close my eyes - just a moment -
and plant my toes
upon this ground

psychedelic butterfly

her eyes electric
green and blue
darting, watching, taking notes
someone looks up then away
-careful, she might cast a spell on you-
pink red flaming stand up hair
gaze unbending
smiles hiding
causing eyes to shift away
or stare quite blatantly

evil eyes are crying
blue and yellow tears
while cat's eyes watch from underneath
swirls of color all around
blurbs of purple without strings
she rests between my shoulders
her wings spanning 'tween their breadth


the putrid stench
of cooking bacon
plunges needles
in my belly
turning deeply

-oh, god I need
to throw up-


my eyes burn
and crack
from the

lava tears
burn deeply


I sit unmoving
eyes glazed staring sugarily
ache grows and wanes
within the hollow gap
between my ribs
clocks spin hours in seconds
world turns turbulant around
the secured fixture of
me upon the chair
lost in perplexing
silent pain
until midrin wears off
if only slightly
and I breathe
once again


I am
like a kitten
on a table
rubbing her back
upon a teetering
jar of knives

I don't really want to end up
hurting myself and
everyone around me
but that's what always
seems to happen
when I try-


they're in the junk drawer
for now
I hope that's
where they stay
for I would really hate to find
the mess of you
they'd make

I only wish I could be stronger
I only wish I could be clearer
I wish I could read within your soul
for then I would know
how to make you
to yourself

you know we love you, dearest,
but do you know what would happen
if you left us?

please don't make me find out...


morning light glints off chrome
flashing in my eyes
while I hover here in
twilight sleep

spring mornings smile at me
while hearts in pink and red remind
all too well
that I am yet alone

sky blue fingertips and
crazy dark brown hair
I may look put together but
I'm not

molded smiles and
old fairy tales
soap bubble dreams
lasting for a moment of
swirling splendor
carried off like dandilion seed
upon the wind

one drip and the world comes
spinning up at me
to leave me here
a shallow spash
upon the thawing earth

but the air is crisp and warming
the yellow sun smiles down~
gorgeous morning
I know ~
I just wish my heart
wasn't made of lead
just now
so I could fly away
to cloudless sky

I wish it weren't so cold in here

in me

I'm just so hollow this morning...

wake up, love, it's just a dream...
(I only wish)


the kitchen piles up with clutter
as I lay
staring up
in silent melancholy madness
any word from my lips
would lead to tears


I am just a
butterfly with torn wings
fluttering in pain
falling fast
to broken ground
willing it to tear me
to shreds
for it must surpass
this sunken hole
my heart has
swollen and deflated
to become

I love
but what of that-?
nothing seems to
as it is
no matter how high
my hopes may fly


I took my smile from the fridge
to heat it on the stove
but when I tried to
put it on
it slipped through the
slotted spoon

I think I'll just be melancholy
a little longer


leave light
to play two
fingers on
her still arm



(I don't really like "sordid" being in there but that's how it was written LOL)


he screamed
as she cried
in whispers
for her love
ached like
honey skin



drunk peach wind

(oh fridge magnets, how I love you)


was my
frantic boy crush
with no vision
to hold the gaze
of i
wanting love

(another fridge magnet one)



(I believe this was a refrigerator magnet poem)


Her name is Lisa
and she's oh, I'd say
11 or 12 years old
like she's still small
but, then she's not..
She loves to play with fire
shuts the door behind her
always always always
gets bored and turns on the tv.
She didn't like the new mirror
in the bathroom
so one day she picked it up and let it drop.


She stops the cd player on sad depressing songs
and hopes someone will hear the words ~
She throws down the picture frames
and fiddles with the light switches,
makes faces in the smoke of incense,
steals the fish tank filter
but is nice to the cat.
Lisa... such a strange sad child.
She had a lock on her door.
She begged for weeks to get it there.

What was she scared of?

"If I die before I wake then you'll know why"
said the song she stopped the other day-
But why? And how, dear little one?
For Lisa is the ghost child
who sleeps in my new room.
She lays upon the floor and I can feel her presence there.
She died and I don't know why,
I dont know how,
I only know
all she wants is to be noticed;
to not be so alone.
I want to help her.

But tell me,
how do you help a ghost?


sometimes they need
duck tape to keep them
I know mine has...
now, instead of a
purpled fruit,
as Jewel likes to describe them,
I am a silver plastic pear
as long as you don't rip

I don't want to fall to pieces
just yet,
thank you

Friday, August 6, 2010


let me slither
into dreamland
with a smile upon
my lips

let me dream
of silver moonbeams
and let me give them names

let me swim with the dolphins
in the clear blue ocean depths
gliding through the waters
until I know I'm free


let me curl up there beside you
and rest my head there, comfortably
and let me stay there
for a while...

while I smile
while I sleep..


she is depressed and lonely
and unsure of her regal self
I only wish she could listen
when we tell her how she shines

she lives in worlds of blackness
clashing into white
tim burton's world
danny elfman too
she loves them so~

smile pretty, for yourself
not the camera over there
and give me the razorblades


as you break
you hear
a voice
telling you
you'll be ok
you'll be alright

do you believe?

I do

though I have a funny way
of showing it sometimes


I know the sound all too well

I hear it again and again
every time
they speak

'twould be so nice
to blot him out
to smudge him with ink
until he is as black
as he made me
that night
when he told me about
and how we weren't going to
get married
after all


There is a little boy I know
he's 2 and a half but
doesn't talk yet.
He's brilliant for his age
but his mind goes too fast for his
mouth to catch up.
When I met him he didn't say a single word..
He knew a little sign lanuage
and I taught him some more

In the past few months he has improved
He knows how to say mommy and bo
for brother
but that's about it.

Tonight I saw him and he smiled
and his mom asked him who I am-
he grinned widely and proudly
said my name.

haha... he said Becca before he said daddy

I'm just a little proud :)


the rhythms dim
lights down low
light ringing in my ears
I close my eyes
and write some more,
slowly drifting away
from here


I think all that will come from this
all that I'll have to show
are tired eyes from looking
when you didn't want to

head down eyes up

I sat in the car today with Jen
just driving
after we went to the store
and I was sitting there
in silence
but not that quiet peacfulness that I usually sit in -
instead I sat in pensive silence
not speaking at all...
not breathing,
just sitting there
and I realized I was sitting
with my
head down and my eyes up

the world looks much different that way
you can stare at your frozen fingers
in your lap
or look up glaringly at the black road
or over at other cars and
make them fidgit because
they think you're casting some spell
of death and doom upon them
and Jennifer sits there talking
talking talking
about how her fridge is empty
and she has no one to reaheat...


words flow
through the pen


finally I realize
what has been screaming within me
I see what I've been trying
to ignore
and now that I know

now that I can look it in the face
and not look away

I can smile at my reflection
and breathe.. breathe.. breathe deeply
into sleep


it's quite the calming thing
to hear you say it-
to hear you say the same thing
I've been thinking
that I'm not ready
no matter how much I want to be

so we can sit back
and we'll talk like this
and smile and wait things out

I hope when everything untwines
I'll find me next to you


what to think?
what to feel?
what to say?
what to do?
what is going on there
so deep inside of you?
what is happening
and why do I feel
so very
when I know I know I know
what is breathing here
so new
between us...?

I guess I just dont want to be


lost (2)

an ocean of time
washes thickly over me
drowning these eyes in salt-
no wind to speed things along,
only tumultuous grey blue waters
saddened, as my heart,
to have to keep us apart-
each breath until you near
is more wild gasping
arms flailing about
in an effort to keep myself alive
if only to see the light
that appears in your eyes
when I near

take me from this place
and bring me safely home
to finally find sleep
within the warm shelter of your embrace

I plead with the ashy sky
begging for any sign of hope
but the sun hides herself
from my searching face

and then I see you
on some distant shore,
watching for me.
but you do not see,
you only weep
and I long to kiss those tears away
to search your eyes for
a hint, even,
of a smile-


I've lost myself,
it seems
I can't think clearly
can't speak truly
can't breathe easily
can't work naturally
can't stop thinking of the "maybe"s
can't or won't?

I dream in circles that never meet

help (2)

I opened up my front door
and who stood there but
the guy I've not seen in several months-
he smiled, now a blonde,
and I let him in the door
but halfway through
his staying here
I wished that he could leave
for I felt bad for not liking him
like he wanted me to
though I shouldn't...

it was a really long week
and my head was spinning
now with silver by my eye
and everything got screwed up
especially my mind


make it go away


someone tell me
how stupid I am
for thinking
I'm stupid


this all seems to be just
a game you play
with shards of glass:
you try to mend what is broken
while not hurting the rest,
or yourself


I sit here blinking wildly at the screen
knowing he won't be here
but wishing anyway

wishing he could read what I am
trying, in vain
to say... wishing that smile
he buried in the steering wheel
was closer...
wishing tomorrow night was
here with answers to the unspoken

I'm just tired and
I need sleep-
my brain knows what's up
but my heart won't believe:

-she doesn't want to be
roadkill again-

careful, I break easy

short distance

shortdistance we have
but there is still
an odd distance
between us

or perhaps there is
a wisdom behind it
that I don't quite see..


tonight brought smiles
but crooked ones
pensive ones
waiting to see
who would say something

neither of us did


today was such a good day for
no apparent reason, really
the sun was out and it was warm
as though it were early spring
even though it's January
I had to work early in the morning
but I was awake with a smile
upon my lips
and I was laughing liquidly throughout the day

I can only wonder what smiles
tonight may bring....


strange how my three closest friends
in chicago had the names of my brothers..
andy, allen/alan, matt.
one day they sat in front of me
for something or other,
and I noticed they were even in the
right order...
I lauged out loud and they turned around..


Matt Newport... what a crazy guy
he had blonde hair that was greenish when I met him
he played in a techno band
and went on tour
and I never saw him since

I made him feel old because I was
10 years younger when he asked me out-
I think that's why we never went anywhere..
but it was ok

I really should go back and visit them


funny little guy with fuzzy
no-comb hair
he played the guitar and could sing...
soooo soo well..
always had some intelligent conversation
to share
unless he was rapping vanilla ice
he never wore his shoes, like me,
and he was vegetarian too...
::laughs:: in fact, he convinced Andy
(cappuccino stealing guy)
that he needed to be a vegetarian, and
andy went along, for a while.
he loved japanese food and dragged all of us
to Gia's with him
it was good...

oh, how I miss my Chicago groupies...


he's the guy in an apartment upstairs
at my old place
who always came downstairs with a smile.
he would sit and talk a bit,
smile slyly, and ask if anyone wanted a
he used us for my espresso machine
but it's ok,
because we used him for his car

I wonder what he's up to now...


some days, I just wish it could be
I wish I could wake up and
reshape my life to how I picture it;
be who I wish I was, not what I am...
I wish I could go back,
erase my past, and just be, well,

I wish I could turn back time
and make myself shake off
that fidget-breeding fear
to look you in the eye-

to look you in the eye
and let myself see
the parts of me in you,
growing quietly, rhythmically
murmuring what was - IS
blatently obvious
-but I was deaf-
-I was scared of something new-

more scared to watch the
newness fade,
dulling to sad sourness
- scared to deal with the maybe
- of nothing after you-

I want to take a chance,
I just wish it hadn't taken so long


as soon as 1999 had passed
my world was new again
the old is gone
so throw it away

I only wish I could forget
all the things I need not recall
the things I dont wish to remember

my fingers shake as I put the knife away
after having tried to kill it once again
but it won't go away
so I must learn to deal
to blot it out with time
and while I wait
it gets easier
for my mind is filled with other things
much more worth the time

long distance

how far away
a few feet can seem at times


the cat crawled up on me
and curled up in my lap
-he never does that-
-I think he knows I'm moving again-
he purred for a while, then
fell asleep,
his little orangeish head
nestled in the crook of my elbow-
I dont want to wake him,
but I have to go to bed...
sorry Tigs, you're gonna have to move

and he was so cute like that...


they keep telling me I talk in my sleep
but that I talk of nothing

I talk of dreams which are the children of an idle brain begot of nothing but vain fantasy

I wonder, what is it that I say
that nobody can seem to remember?
perhaps i just don't want to know~


I woke up tired this morning
and the world was a hundred
shades of grey
-deep and cool and calming
-I wished it had rained today

it's so inspiring~
thoughts bud quickly
within the furrows of my mind
and I smile by the window
as I spout them upon a silver page


little kids are too much fun..
the way they think the smallest things
are cool
and how when they pay for something with
their very own money,
how it's more special than ever...
a little boy bought baseball cards tonight
and he jumped and made a little sound when I handed them back to him...

it wasn't so long ago that it was me
peering over that counter
waiting for the cashier to make me feel


something in the stars
amidst the wind
and in the trees
secrets softly to the open ear

once I listened intently
but I think I forgot how
and it's a good thing


suspended in the air,
wondering how I got there
but knowing it doesn't really matter
I realize I am awake
and I can't help but laugh at me

why is it we think dreams are only in the night behind closed eyes?


perhaps I knew what today would hold
and that's why there are
stars upon my fingers
casting light within my eyes


words are lost within the gap
between my mind and my mouth
I lose myself in nothingness
and hope perhaps somebody understands
what it is I meant to say


what now?
good question...
I wake each morning with such a
strangeness about me
as though the day holds more than it should already
but when I think of this,
the triviality of daily life slides away
and I am left standing
facing the eyes I've always loved
but could never be honest with

what now? I'm not sure either
but I'm getting there with a smile

sigh (2)

this grey afternoon
chills brittle skin
and chapped smiles,
clouds rolling over themselves
in tumultuous elation~
autumn has returned
with her taciturn grief
for something long-since lost...

turning leaves titter in
breezes from the north,
knowingly whispering cruelties,
"steamed milk with caramel...mmm"
when I have no access to
caramel flavoring...

brown leaves crunch beneath
frozen-toed leather boots
as the sky threatens
vainly "I'm gonna...
well, i WOULD do something
if I had the energy..."

grey hues taint the
brightness of yellow and green,
making hot chocolate sound
as I sit here
begging the clouds for
just a hint of

september in nebraska...


what can I do but listen?
I try to say the right thing to her
but it doesn't ease the pain-
this I know-
I've been there a few times too many, myself..

she is finding herself in the
rocky cave beside the crashing ocean
where I used to live
and is making her bed there,
for she cannot see the path
beside the water's edge-
the fog is dense
and the tears are many;
puddles upon her cheeks-
daybreak will come soon,
the fog will lift slowly.. slowly..
and she will be able to find her way
But until morning,
sighs will fill my ears
while I am unable to give any consolation~

knowing that, I sigh


I have this sad lullaby
slithering its way through my mind
with its low melodic tones
easing me to quiet
no matter how I fight


it's not just anyone
who can take
memory lane
and turn the whole thing
to a detour


my feet look so small
next to his

I never knew I was so little..


I tried to sleep,
I did,
but I kept turning,
hearing music in the backround
wanting to sing along

the phone rang and the bubble popped
and now I sit at the keyboard
at 7:42
barely awake
and I wonder if I'll ever really sleep again

soon I'll curl up on the couch
and close my heavy eyes
and smile
as I drift away to somewhere
I've never seen before~
::yawns:: nite. or morning, as it were


I can never sleep anymore
I sit awake until
early morning
staring blankly
at the phone
wondering why
it never rang all night-
silly me, he's in bed-
I stopped caring about
my sleeping habits
long ago
when I realized I didn't have
good ones
and now, when I need
some rest
any rest
I can't even coax myself
to bed-

I think this is it:
I'm afraid of waking up
and having all of this
be a dream



eyelids flutter unwillingly
resisting sleep once more
for I can't sleep
or not...
though I know..
reading between the lines
isn't so hard...
I think I'll go to sleep now

or maybe

I'll just have some more caffeine
and look for you though you are
standing before me
your eyes smiling easily
and I'll get lost within
the depths of you..


the lines seem so small
when you look


king or prince or pauper..
he could have me if
he would just ask...


I looked up today-
my world has changed
within the span of a second...
How did I miss it?


some of the most brilliant people I know
failed classes

if you're bored, why would you try?

I know I never did
and still, I got 'a's and 'b's.
it's so funny to look back and see all those people who studied their asses off
to get better grades than each other,
only to realize that
I had more potential then
than they ever will

or maybe that's sad... I dont know...


he sits and writes like
an intellectual people-watcher,
and he is
(I can smell my own)
he was watching me

when his friends got here
he hid his book and pen
and is now acting like a

god, I hate people who can't even
be themselves with their friends...


There is a man who always
comes in for a senior coffee
and a chocolate chip cookie
every night.
He sits there in his red UNLV coat
and black Bulls hat
drinks his coffee black
through a scowl he doesn't realize he wears.
He watches people walking in and out of the store,
squinting slightly through his
dark brown horn-rimmed glasses.

Once, he told me he had a girlfriend,
young and pretty,
showed me her picture and said
he'd bring her in
but I've never seen her.

He walks past, but not toward the door,
and I say goodnight anyway.
He smiles, says he isn't leaving
just yet
and hands me a green sucker
with a rounded handle
leaves, then comes back again
sits for a while longer.

He watches the crowd anxiously but passively, somehow.

Waits silently, takes a reluctant
last sip,
stands slowly, and is gone.

~He'll be back again tomorrow night~